I remember getting the call.
It was August of last year. We'd had our home open for ten days, and I'd spent all ten of those days trying to get some rest while simultaneously battling anxiety. I knew that a wild ride was coming, but I had no idea what it would look like.
Questions and scenarios took up much of my free brain space.
What kind of placement will we get?
Can we survive the stress of foster care?
How much pain am I going to face?
What will this do to our family?
Have we made the right choice?
The night before we got the call, I lay in bed wrestling with my thoughts. The anxiety had reached its peak, I was sure we were going to get a call in the middle of the night, and I didn't know how to face what was ahead. A few hours of restless sleep later, I woke up oddly clear-headed and assured.
God called us to this.
He'd have to show us how to do it.
That afternoon, when I saw an unknown number appear on my phone, I knew.
This was it.
We were going to say yes.
I had to pull over to focus on what the caseworker was telling me--though it was hardly anything more than a name and a birth date, really. We had a few hours to gather Emma's old baby equipment and clothes, and by dinnertime a (very) little girl was placed in my arms. We had no information about a feeding or sleep schedule. There was very little about why she was even in care. All we knew was that she'd had a long day.
I remember sitting down on the couch and laying her on my lap. We made eye contact for the first time....and she smiled at me.
We're going to be ok, I thought.
And even though that turned out to be true, I had no idea how hard and complicated the next year would be.
This type of case doesn't get covered in foster care classes (surprise, surprise). The words "rare", "complicated", and "we never see that" have been used to describe it.
If I had known then what was ahead, I wouldn't have been able to face it.
I wouldn't have thought I was strong enough.
The past year was completely exhausting in every realm--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Most of it was spent in survival mode.
God felt so close and so far away at the same time.
But I can also say this--
God's faithfulness has been fully on display, and I have been changed in a deep, indescribable way.
During one particularly dark and difficult month, I remember praying, "Does it really have to be this hard?"
His quiet response was, "It has to be this way."
Such a hard response to swallow, but He was right--not only for that particular month, but for the many other difficulties that came after.
Every step of the journey with our Little One has had purpose. I have a whole pile of "ebenezers" stacked up from the last year, a pile that will no doubt help sustain me through the twists and turns to come. I can say with confidence, no matter which way her case goes or how much grief I experience, it will absolutely be within His will. His hand has been undeniable in all of it.
And doesn't He know best?
When I was young, my mom used to say the Aaronic blessing over me every night.
I continued the tradition with Emma, as it felt like the right thing to do. Shortly before our Little One was placed with us, we sang it in church ("The Blessing" by Elevation Worship). I found myself in tears, though I didn't know why. I just had a feeling that it--this song, this blessing--was going to relate to foster care.
We recently had a very difficult day, and I was struck once again by just how vulnerable our Little One's future is. In ardently praying for her, I was reminded of the song and found myself again in tears.
It became my prayer for her.
The Lord bless you and keep youMake His face shine upon you and be gracious to youThe Lord turn His face toward youAnd give you peace
May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children
May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, he is with you
In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, he is for you
God sees her.
God knows her.
God is with her, and with us.
