It's been hard lately to put the feelings of my heart into words. Life so full that it's overflowing, joy and overwhelm both spilling over the sides.
We were warned at the beginning of our case that it would be long. I thought that a year or even fifteen months counted as "long", but we have passed the two-year mark and still may only be halfway through. The need for permanency and normalcy is like an itch that I can't scratch.
A really itchy itch.
Some days everything feels normal--three little girls wrecking the house with pink and plastic, learning how to share, throwing food on the floor, laughing and screaming and babbling at each other, chaos and clutter wrapped around bubbles of joy. Some days hit with a heavy emotional SLAP that make it hard to see those bubbles of joy at all. And sometimes moments of intense sweetness and connection accidentally pair with the grief of wondering what the future will be for these children.
Each upcoming team meeting or court date brings with it the weight of dread twisted with the anticipation of maybe moving forward. Visitation and caseworker visits bring the reminder that the girls could leave at any time. Phone calls, appointments, dates on the calendar. It's a mental and spiritual load.
I long for the day when I can put down the heavy pack of foster care, even if just for a while.
God has, however, asked us to keep waiting. Patience is a fruit of the spirit and good fruit takes a long time to grow.
It's also hard to articulate how my own bonding has been different with each of the girls in my house. With Emma, the bonding came more naturally (through an umbilical cord and whatnot). But daily motherly love towards the other two has also created solid, strong bonds. I don't know what the future holds, and if those bonds will continue to grow or be cut short. What I do know is that all of these girls feel the stability of love in our home today and thrive because of it.
It makes me think of how many people tell me that they couldn't do foster care because they'd get too attached.
Oops.
But these girls--who wouldn't completely fall in love?
Emma, with her quick wit, creativity, deep affection, and "I want to do it!" The Middle Little, whose hilarious antics are only overshadowed by her EXCITEMENT over learning a new skill. And Baby, easygoing and up for anything with a smile on her face.
Each so unique and a blessing.
I try to hold my love in open hands.
I ask God for His strength on days when it just feels like too much. I thank Him for letting me raise these children today, for letting me see their growth and progress. I tell Him everything that I'm trying to process, even when the words aren't there.
